revfluffy
Musing from a contemplative mind....
Hey Bradi, do you want to go for a ride in the truck?
Somewhere in the world tonight a father cries by the bedside of his daughter he just lost and a wife sits in disbeilef as she considers the future without her beloved. These are real losses that inalterably change their futures. So my loss is not in that category. So why does it hurt so much? It’s just a dumb animal, right?
But it does hurt that bad. I have this deep ache inside me that is not going to go away for a while. It will leave for a time but each time I open my door to my house and I am met with silence. Then I am reminded of what I had, what I lost.
A car struck her this morning at 6:00 am this morning. Apparently she crossed the street and was darting back, but she did not see what was coming. From the quarter of a mile away I could hear her cry. A few minuets later she was in our car and my wife and I were rushing off to the veterinarian hospital to save her. My wife was driving and I was in the back seat trying to console our dog.. As we turned the corner and sped down the road I saw that Bradi’s breathing was really labored and I thought to myself, I have seen the end of this movie, and I am pretty sure it has a sad ending. We had driven a good distance (we had to go about 45 min and had gone about 20) and I saw Bradi turn around so that her head was now in my lap. Her breathing became more sporadic and finally she breathed her last. There is something really eerie when you feel the life of someone one, or something just escape. At that moment I was the only one who knew this and I was really conflicted about what I should do. I decided that telling Stephanie the instant it happened was not the right thing so for the next 25 mins I carried on conversation with Stephanie knowing that when we got to the vets that I would have to break "the news."
When we were a couple of mins from the vets, Stephanie's voice sounded very hopeful as she said, okay Bradi, we are almost here. We are going to get you all fixed up. I replied with an empty, "that’s right" trying to keep up the charade for just a moment longer. Finally we parked and Stephanie turned to me and said, okay lets bring her in. My eyes closed "I have bad news, hon..." The words were so difficult to say, and harder to comprehend. She was instantly inconsolable.
I suggested to Stephanie that she go in and ask the animal hospital to find herself a room so she wouldn't have to see the dog--- ya know, like that.. The vets obliged and Stephanie was able to go into a room to cry while I took care of things. (This is where being "the man" is really hard. You have to step up and take care of stuff that men are supposed to and look strong and in control when inside you hurt so bad you just want it to stop). The vet insisted that she check the dog out to see if there was a pulse. I assured her that there was no such thing and a moment later she confirmed what I already knew, Bradi was dead. (As I am writing this, this is actually the first time I have even said this). The next few moments were the worst - I told them, we don't have a lot of time and I don't want to her to see the dog like this. So I climbed in the car and looked at the dog (which now had steam rising off her body cause her body was warm and the car was cold) and picked up her lifeless self and quickly ran her to one of the open rooms. She carried like a huge sack of potatoes, not like Bradi. I was able to bring the dog in the room, place her on the table, turn quickly away and shut the door. A moment later Stephanie left the room where she was crying. She came to front desk I were I was standing and asked, what else do we need to do? I told her, that we had taken care of everything… Then the vet asked us if we would like to say good-bye and we looked at them quizzically and declined. There was nothing left to say good-bye to.
Tonight I don't feel much like grown up. Tonight I just feel like a boy who has lost his dog.
Hey Bradi, do you want to go for a ride in the truck.. This time we will go for real, I promise...
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I can't describe it and I can't hide it. - I found who I am supposed to love to pieces: Everyone.
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